the day I wasn't having a baby anymore.

This post is gonna be hard for me to write.
I don't really wanna relive this, but I know one day I will wish I had written this down.
Here's the unedited truth.
{there will be several instances of t.m.i}
{and this will be lengthy}
{fair warning}

This story began when I was about 6 weeks pregnant.
I got strep throat one day and began running a fever.
I don't khow high exactly, but my fever got severe.
I couldn't stop shivering.
It was like I had been dipped in icy water and I couldn't catch my breath.
It was terrifying that my fever was 104 and the tylenol that is safe to take during pregnancy wasn't touching it.
Luckily after a priesthood blessing and prayers, my fever dropped.
It took me days and days to recover from strep throat.
During the time I was recovering, I had a dream one night that I went to the doctor and I was told, "your baby has no heartbeat."
I woke up remembering everything in vivid detail about that dream.
I told Jake and he reassured me about our healthy baby growing like a weed.
My morning sickness seems to get several levels worse after that too.
I was crazy nauseous, beyond exhausted and I felt dizzy all of the time.
{not to mention that I was far more emotional and mean than usual}
I kept thinking, "I don't remember it being this hard!"
During my other pregnancies I was sick, but it wasn't everything all at once.
After seeing the doctor and having everything check out perfectly, I was reassured that all was well.
{so we told friends and family our exciting news}
For 5 weeks, I mostly laid on my couch and only left my house or got dressed when absolutely necessary.
I just was counting the days until week 12 when hopefully the morning sickness would begin to go away.

On July 3rd as I was getting ready for bed, I noticed light pink blood when I wiped.
I have never, ever spotted when I was pregnant, so I briefly panicked.
After a google search, I found that light pink ,barely spotting was nothing to be concerned over.
{especially if it stopped right away}
I woke up in the morning to no traces of blood.
My worry went away.
It was the 4th of July, we were going to see a movie with the family.
I felt horrible that morning.
My head  was spinning with a headache and I felt like I didn't want to move.
Every step felt like a huge effort.
I had no worries about the baby because feeling this sick meant hormones were doing their job.
We got home after the movie and lunch.
I saw traces of red blood.
I definitely worried more.
I researched more.
Again, I felt comforted by the fact that I wasn't experiencing cramping, it was tiny spots of blood, and my pregnancy symptoms were in full swing.
We went swimming and I sat on the side, taking it easy.
I wanted to make sure our baby was safe and sound.
I called the Dr Friday morning the 5th at 7:45am.
When I told them my symptoms over the phone, she said, "come in right now"
I was at the office by 8:15 am.

I went through the typical checkup.
I was awaiting the doppler heart rate.
I knew once I heard the heartbeat, I would feel 100% better.
My hormone levels were right on track.
My uterus was measuring right on pace.
I wasn't bleeding.
But, the Dr. could't find our babies heartbeat with the doppler.
He wasn't worried at all.
"The baby is probably hiding behind your pubic bone", Doc said.
"Everything else looks perfect, but lets get an ultrasound to be sure."
I knew in my gut, that not hearing the heartbeat was bad.
I called Jake as I drove home.
He was as not reassured as I was.
We drove to the hospital for the ultrasound.
As we waited, we talked about our baby and the plans we had.
{positive vibes}
I laid on the ultrasound table and the the tech said, "are you sure about your dates?"
I told her I was positive.
I looked at the screen.
She said nothing and started measuring.
I saw the measurements.
They were all roughly 6 weeks.
I knew that wasn't right.
There was no movement on screen.
No heartbeat.
The tech couldn't tell us anything, but I knew.
I knew what our baby should look like.
I knew that I should see an active baby with a heartbeat.
I cried on the table.
Jake was sitting near my feet and kept whispering, "It's ok. We're gonna be alright."
I knew we were, but what about our baby?
The tech was very nice and told me sometimes dates are wrong, it could be fine, yada yada yada.
I knew my baby was not alive.

And I wouldn't be holding a chubby, dark haired, newborn in January.

I cried the drive home as we talked about what comes next after something like this.
I looked at my baby bump.
{and my shorts held up with a rubber band}
I felt my pregnancy nausea like usual.
It didn't make sense.
I felt just as pregnant as ever before.
Why had my body not recognized the problem for 5 weeks?

I gathered myself together while Jake took the babysitter home.
When he got home, Jake told the kids and cried as he watched the devastation wash over each face.
It was possibly the hardest part of the entire day.
They wanted our baby as much as we did, but they couldn't understand the details of miscarriage.
Ashlinn and Hallie sobbed most of the evening.

The Dr. called me that evening and told me that a miscarriage might happen on its own over the weekend, but if it didn't I should come in Monday morning.
{he also referred to our baby as "the product of conception"}
{I wanted to punch his face}

I did not want to wait until Monday.
I just wanted to move on.
I didn't want to wake up another 2 days being pregnant with a baby I would never hold.

Saturday I woke up and decided to live normally.
{my before pregnant normal}
The happy, positive me.
I had an entire day of crying and mourning the day before.
Today I needed to be the mom I had wanted to be for 2 months.
The one who found the good side of every situation.
The one who comforted her children instead of laying in bed herself.
I still wasn't feeling good, but we went and ran errands as a family.
We went out to dinner.
We laughed and enjoyed our day together.
I counted my blessings.
I truly felt complete peace.
We would be just fine.

Thats when I began bleeding.
{and I went and bought maxi pads}
I knelt down and thanked Heavenly Father for a body that would take care of things without waiting another day.
I woke up every few hours during the night to change, but soon every hour wasn't enough.
By the time Sunday morning came, I was bleeding really heavily.
I had been through several outfits... towels and blankets.
I drank water and ate something hoping to make sure to assist my body in keeping its strength as it released our baby.
Soon, I was changing every 10 minutes.

I began getting very lightheaded.
I called my mom and asked her about what is "normal".
We continued talking as I went to the bathroom and knew I was going to faint.
"Mom, I am going to faint, I need to go." click.
{my poor mom}
I lay on the bathroom floor, blacked out.
My sweet hallie walked in.
She thought I was dead.
She ran to get Jake.
By the time he came, I was awake, but I knew I needed help.
My body wasn't doing well.
Jake began wrangling the kids to get dressed so we could go to the hospital.
Suddenly there was a knock at the door.
It was my mom.
She was there to help.
Since my brain was not fully functioning, she helped me call my regular ob's office, so they could be at the hospital.
{I didnt want to see Dr. "product of conception" anymore}

Jake and my mom found clothes for the kids, picked up a few things around the house, and we were off.
We dropped the kids at Jake's moms house, so she could bring them to church.

By the time we got to the ER, I had blood dripping down my legs. The towel I was sitting on was soaked.
I left the ER bathroom a disgusting, bloody mess.
I was scared.

Luckily, I was changed and into a bed quickly.
Jake and I were still smiling and able to talk about our blessings.
For the first time in almost 3 months, I felt like me.
I felt optimistic.
I could see clearly the blessings and miracles that were around me.
Even though, I absolutely didn't want to be in this situation, I knew it was just a piece of the plan.
I had 2 different ultrasounds that showed everything was still intact.
Nothing had passed.
My body was bleeding so heavily, while still trying to hold onto our baby.
I felt a bit of peace knowing that my body was protecting our sweet baby even now.
And then I started to feel faint again.
Jake held me up to use the restroom and clean up a bit of the blood all over me, but as we were walking back to the bed, I told him I was going to faint again.
The black wall washed over me as I hit the bed.
I remember being in the darkness of my brain and knowing I needed to wake up, but I didn't know how.
I didn't know where I was.
I couldn't tell if I was laying down.
Thankfully, my eyes opened to my sweet husband giving me a priesthood blessing.

My heart was full of gratitude for this husband of mine.

The nurses walked in at the end of the blessing and they started rushing around the room.
Apparently my lips were white as a sheet of paper.
I looked like death.
My blood pressure after 5 minutes was only up to 70/41.
The way the Dr. and nurses responded, I knew that was seriously low.
They put in a blood transfusion line.
I had a new IV bag started, all within minutes.
They told me I needed a D and C procedure immediately to help stop the bleeding.
They explained how my Dr. was on his way, they would send me to the Operating Room, the anesthesiologist would come, put me to sleep, and I would wake up in recovery, not pregnant anymore.

My usual OB, the one who delivered 3 of my babies, was out of town.
Luckily, the Dr. covering for him had delivered all of my sister in laws babies.
I had heard great things about him.
When Dr. Beck walked into the room, he was wearing his church suit, shirt and tie.
I felt a strong sense of peace as he spoke.
It was such a strong feeling.
He talked about how he is a bishop and came directly after his full day of church obligations.
I felt blessed that this Dr. held the priesthood and had been in a place all day where he could be close to the spirit.
He sat at the foot of my bed after examining me and was quiet.
Then he said, "we are going to do the d and c right here, right now."
No OR, no anesthesiologist.
He explained how my body had labored effectively and the procedure would be possible, although painful immediately.
He didn't want me to wait for the all of the details of surgery to be in place.
He had the ER nurses bring him his equipment from the OR and he began.
{right in the tiny ER room}
It took less than 10 minutes.
{and hurt like H E double hockey sticks}
Toward the end, he said, "Here is your tiny baby."
I chose not to look. I wasn't in a place emotionally to handle it.
The nurse ooooed at our tiny, lifeless baby.
It felt so different than the Dr who had called it "a product of conception".
Our little, itty bitty baby was reverenced as it left my body.
I felt closure.
I was no longer pregnant.
I had done everything in my power to keep our baby safe, it just wasn't right this time.

I physically began feeling better immediately.
The bleeding slowed dramatically, color returned to my face, my blood pressure began rising, I could stand without fainting.
I felt an absolute awe and gratitude for this body of mine.
In 3 months time, it had conceived and began growing a baby, been through a serious bout with strep throat, endured weeks of morning sickness, worked overtime to keep a baby that had passed weeks before, held me together when I was emotionally falling apart, bled out, passed out 3 times, had surgery without anesthesia, was no longer pregnant, and was now recovering rapidly.
I felt such gratitude for my body.
What a gift.

As I recovered quickly, I started realizing the blessing of the Doctor performing the surgery the way he did.
I had never met Dr. Beck before.
That Dr. had no idea that I don't do well with anesthesia.
He didn't know my heart rate and blood pressure drops dramatically as I come out of anesthesia.
He didn't know of the migraines and dizziness I get with painkillers.
I didn't have to tell him.
I believe that's why I felt such peace as he walked into the room.
He wasn't going to do things like usual.
He would do things the way I needed them.
{and I would be awake for the moment the baby came out to feel that closure immediately}
I felt gratitude that I had a Doctor who listened to the spirit.

As the evening wore on, I went home and sat on the couch watching my hubby and our kids wrestle and laugh.
My phone beeped with texts from friends and family sharing their love, prayers, and well wishes.
I was overwhelmed and blessed beyond measure.
I wasn't sad anymore.
I was overflowing with gratitude.
Although something horrible had happened that weekend, I had seen my Heavenly Fathers hand over and over.
I had never been alone.
{not even close}

That night as I laid in bed, I couldn't sleep.
I replayed the day/weekend over and over in my head.
Each time I felt and saw a different tender mercy that I had missed before.
Miracles that I had failed to notice as they happened.
My heart felt like it would explode.

My testimony grew that day.
Heavenly Father knew what He was doing all along.