Fall-ing.

September could be my favorite month of the year.

{actually I am pretty positive that it is}

I love the way the brutal AZ summer starts to give in to much cooler nights.

And the way I can decorate for fall, even when the spider web on my front windows may be up a bit too soon.

I love that September has always been a month that I can celebrate being a mom.

Almost 9 years ago, I held my oldest child for the first time.

{and fell in love in a way I didn't know I could}

3 years ago in September we met and brought our Crew home forever.

{and learned to love in a whole new way again}

2 years ago this month, sweet little Macy also came home for good.

{you see, September is kinda a big deal for me} 

I also have another mom experience in September that changed me as well.

I don't often tell it.

But it has been on my mind so much lately, I need to write it.

More than 5 years ago, Jake and I had a firm prompting that we had a son waiting for us.

We knew it would be through adoption.

We just knew.

That was January 2007.

We had 2 darling daughters.

We had just moved into our new house and we were ready for him to come.

We began researching adoptive/ foster agencies.

We prayed for our son.

We prayed to find him.

We prayed for direction.

One day in the middle of a hot summer 2007 day, I got a call from my mom.

She told me how she knew this lady who had a 9 month old foster son that was going to be up for adoption.

She wanted us to meet him, so then we could decide if we wanted to be his parents.

I remember the morning we met Mondo.

His foster mom knocked on our door and dropped off this handsome brown eyed baby boy for the day.

It was like he literally almost landed on our doorstep.

With no effort of ours.

Our son was home.

We had our minds made up.

It would be our pleasure to be his parents.

He started staying with us 6 days a week.

We were all smitten.

I started photographing his every move.

We watched him learn to crawl.

We watched him babble.

We taught him to walk and to enjoy baths.

We helped him to work through some of his fears from his previous life.

I bought him enough clothes to last 2 years.

We started decorating his room.

This was FUN!

The girls were so happy to have a baby brother.

Jake was thrilled to have a son.

I couldn't get enough of everything about him.

In early September we celebrated his first birthday.

I was so thrilled to be able to have him home for this milestone. 

It was some time right after his first birthday that I got a call.

"We think Mondos dad has been found... and he wants his son."

I asked all of the questions.

But a father has never been identified?

How do we know it's really him?

He has never even set eyes on him before, why does he want him now?

Isn't he creepy drug addict?

Why?!?!?!?

I cried.

like crazy.

Giant alligator tears streamed down my face.

He can't take MY son.

I cried for a few hours and held Mondo tight.

Then I realized that I needed to just have faith.

These things happened too perfectly for the Lord to just have him leave us.

They brought Mondo for a paternity test.

We waited for 2 weeks.

{a very very long 2 weeks}

Then his case manager called.

She started scheduling visitation with his father.

I choked.

So the test was positive?

"Yes, he is actually his father."

I numbly scheduled visits.

but

I refused to let go of my faith.

So what if MY son went to a few visits with some guy?

He wasn't ever leaving for good.

The way he came home was more than coincidence.

He was MY boy.

We just needed to go through this for a few months.

It wouldn't be a big deal.

The remainder of September was a blur.

The beginning of October was rough.

Mondo would return from visits with a different smell, a buzz, high top k-swiss sneakers and a wife beater.

{When he left with baby lotion smell, a polo shirt and some sandals.}

He would be withdrawn and clingy at the same time.

He was confused.

And so was I.

It was mid October when his case manager sat me down and told me that Mondo would be going to live with his dad.

{in less than 2 weeks}

I was in shock.

This wasn't the ending to this story.

It couldn't be!!!

I had prayed with so much faith.

We had very real promptings about OUR son.

I kept praying for a miracle.

Praying for a change in plans.

But a change didn't come.

I was so hurt, I starting acting indifferent towards Mondo.

I would hold him and snuggle him, but I was so scared of loving him more.

I tried to put the walls around my heart so high, but it was too late to protect it.

It was already broken.

On Halloween 2007, they came and picked up my son.

I kissed his cheeks and head.

And put him into the waiting carseat.

I turned and walked back into the house quickly so I wouldn't lose it in front of him.

I cried loudly when I got inside and shut the door.

I told myself that he would be put back into foster care in a few weeks when dad failed a drug test. 

I knew I would get the call and he would be home again for good.

{I am still waiting for that call}

5 years later.

I still look at little hispanic boys and wonder if they are him.

I look at their eyes and bright smiles.

I look for the familiar dimples in his cheeks.

I might forget rules about "stranger danger" when I see him again and hug him tightly.

{for an awkwardly long time}

I have often wondered about this time in our life.

I have pondered why the Lord wanted to give us this experience .

I think I have finally come to an answer.

{or 4}

{but the Lord may have an entirely different list}

Crew and Mondo are only a few weeks apart in age.

My thought is that the Lord loves me enough to let me hold His son during my favorite baby ages.

To enjoy all of his firsts.

He may not have been My forever little boy, but my Crew wasn't ready for us yet.

Mondo was a bit of darling baby goodness to help me wait the remaining 2 years until Crew would finally come home.

The Lord also loved Mondo enough to make sure he was safe and loved without barriers.

Treated in everyday like he was our son.

{The way he always deserves to be treated}

I hope somewhere in his brain, even on hard days, he always knows he is/ was loved completely.

Because a part of me will always be his mom.

But more importantly, he is Heavenly Fathers son.

I wish I had focused on that from the start.

It would have been far easier if I had I always trusted the Lord's plan for His son.

Looking back, I realize that Tate being born only a few months later and moving into the newly decorated nursery and wearing the endless supply of clothes was a way the Lord blessed us and helped to fill part of that gaping hole in our hearts.

{the other part would be filled when Crew was sealed to us for eternity}

{or when the strong promptings came that Crew was the little boy we had actually been prepared to receive}

I recently went and erased most of Mondos pictures off of our computer hard drive.

{although I kept a few favorites}

It was time.

Time for me to let him go.

Mondo taught me that I can have a mothers love for a child, no matter who's belly they came from.

A lesson that I would get the privilege to remember during 2 other Septembers {and every other month} since then.

September reminds me that each of my children are all His children.

And I am lucky enough to get to borrow them.