the boyfriends. part 3. "The Safe One"

This is post 3 of 4

{of the mini love chronicles}

These are the real life tales of my past boyfriends.

{as I remember them} 

"The Safe One"

This is the most difficult of the 4 stories for me to write.

This one shows what a self absorbed, superficial, brat I was.

{and that is being kind}

But I chose to share it because

a) it is true

and

b) because it is part of why I am who I am.

During the summer of 2001, I worked with a cute RM.

He was funny and nice, we laughed a lot together.

but he and I were in "the friend zone".

{And neither one of us were wanting to change that.}

So I fixed him up with one of my friends.

{and he fixed me up with one of his}

His friend was different from most of the guys I had ever dated.

He had a wild past, but had changed his ways and served a mission.

but occasionally he would make comments about his past that made me wonder if he missed them....

His name was "S" and he was not at all my usual "type".

{not tall, not dark, and only mildly handsome}

{see I told you I was a superficial brat}

He and I always had loads of good times and laughed every second.

but really, I only started "dating" him because it was convenient.

He was someone I would have usually put into the friend zone right away, and would've loved to just hang out with, but I was sick of dating weird, obnoxious, creepy guys.

{when all I really wanted was to wait for a missionary}

{how is that for honest?}

I was very open and upfront with "S" about the fact that I was "waiting" for a missionary.

He didn't seem to mind at all.

In fact he helped me create packages or other gifts to send to South America.

{never saying a word of jealousy}

I thought we had a pretty great arrangement.

I always had someone to go to work Christmas parties, firesides or the scary part of town with.

I could call him really early or really late 

{since I was never sleeping}

and he was always ready to talk and make me laugh.

He was also very sweet and romantic.

He would plan small surprises for me that would make me grin for days.

One night after we finished making a Christmas gift for "the missionary", he got really quiet.

{the kind of quiet that suggests anger}

I kept bugging him to tell me what he was worried about?

He wouldn't tell me.

{and he went home}

The next afternoon we went to a track to run and climb bleachers.

{he was wearing the most hideous full bodied sweatsuit}

I joked with him about it, he laughed with me.

{at least I think he did}

He seemed just fine until the drive home.

He pulled into a parking lot and told me why he was mad the night before.

{I shouldn't have asked}

He said he wanted me to be his "real" girlfriend.

And stop talking about "the missionary" in front of him.

I didn't know what to say.

Our arrangement was so good.

{i didn't want to jeopardize that}

I had a fun, safe guy to date.

{I didn't have to go out with anyone else}

He made me laugh and he was a great kisser.

What part of this wasn't working out for me?

{this is the seriously selfish part}

I promised not to talk about "the missionary" so much and at least TRY to give us a shot.

{even though I already thought I knew the ending to our story}

I would try to do nice things for him, the way he had always done for me.

I stopped in and surprised him at work or would call just to say "hi".

{and I tried not to mention anyone living in South America}

Between Christmas and February things were fine.

{even though I did go out with a few other guys}

{but only the ones I wanted}

{until}

His boss started asking me when I was going to marry him.

His sisters started to ask me when I was going to marry him.

Random people in his ward started asking me when I was going to marry him.

{to each I just shrugged my shoulders}

and

{I was starting to panic}

Everyone just figured that since we had been "dating" for 6 ish months, we were ready for the next step.

I wasn't sure how, but I needed to pull the reigns back on this hayride.

Apparently he assumed I was in deeper than I was.

On Valentines Day he woke me up at 4:30 am and drove me to watch the sunrise and have a picnic breakfast.

That was really sweet.

Until,

he proposed.

{jaw drop}

There wasn't a ring, or a down on one knee, but it was a proposal just the same.

I gently told him how thoughtful this morning was, and what a fantastic person he is, but I was NOT going to be marrying him.

not yet, not ever.

{he didn't seem to respond}

{inside I wanted to say, "I can't imagine waking up next to you every morning!"}

{bratty and self absorbed}

That drive home was awkward!

I got to my house just in time to head to school and work.

My thoughts were all over the place.

{all day}

He and I would never work out.

and

I honestly didn't want them to.

{but I didn't want to be alone}

or be open to dating the weirdos.

I decided not to say anything to him that day.

at all.

I got home and there were 2 bunches of roses that had been delivered for me that day while I was gone

One from "S" and one from "the missionary" 

{or his mom}

{I didn't really care about the ones from "S"}

Those 2 side by side vases of gorgeous flowers were  exactly how I felt.

They were a visual symbol of where I was.

Living one life, and wanting another.

I went to bed.

{my mom always says "tomorrow is a new day"}

{and I just wanted to wake up and for it all to be different}
{a magically non-drama kinda different}

The next day "S" and I acted if nothing had happened the day before.

{I think neither if us wanted to face what my non- commitment meant}

Within the next few weeks, I had friends of his telling me to stop pulling him around.

To stop leading him on.

I felt guilt.

But it wasn't until MY friends said the same things that I knew it couldn't go on like this.

I was being just as much of a jerk as they said I was.

{and I knew it}

I finally summoned the courage and talked to "S".

I told him we needed to just be friends.

I even set him up with a cute girl "just his type" in one of my classes.

He went out with her.

{and reported how angry he was that I was willing to let him go out with someone else}

{and be happy about it}

We tried to remain friends, but the more I wasn't with him, the more I realized how much we really shouldn't be together.

{but he still called me everyday}

and we hung out.

{but that's what friends do?}

It wasn't until I began dating someone else seriously and I told him he couldn't kiss me ever again, that he truly understood we were over.

I was engaged 2 weeks later.

I called him to tell him the news.

{out of respect for being such a good friend}

he needed to hear that wonderful gem from me.

{but he had already heard from someone else}

and was far less than cordial about it.

{understandable}

He asked why I couldn't have fallen for him that way...

The only answer I had for him was that "it wasn't meant to be"

Because it wasn't.